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septembre 21, 2020

Has my anxiety got worse since lockdown?

  • septembre 21, 2020
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End of May, the official lockdown was over in France. We could go out without a signed paper, and not just for grocery shopping. At that point, I was scared to go outside and have a normal Saturday. I was afraid to do just that. Once I went out, I obviously understood that it would be very normal, yet strange. The atmosphere was not the same, but it did not mean that the world was going to kill me instantly if I lay one foot out of my apartment. 

It made me realized how much I constructed something in my head, something I was scared of even though I just imagined it. I was basically anxious to go outside and live. That’s when it made me wonder if my anxiety had worsened during lockdown. If staying inside in this very safe space with just my boyfriend (+ cat) had made me feared anything that was not inside this safe bubble. The first time someone asked us to go out, I said no. I was just too anxious to do that. The next times, I said yes because it sounded stupid to stay inside being scared while it was perfectly okay to have fun and enjoy the world out there (but still being safe!). 

I don’t want to live this experience as a step back in my work with anxiety. Because yes, I worked so hard to be where I am now (or where I was before everything happened) that I would be such a shame to go back to where I was before. I don’t want to be scared of little things like taking the tube alone or going out. I can be scared, that’s normal, but I’m not sure I want to feel anxious. I know that we all experience this in our own different way and that there is no good and bad in all of those, but I don’t want to take this step back. The fact that I was so much in my safe bubble might makes me afraid of what’s outside of it. 

I’m not sure how to deal with that, and it might be a while before everything goes back to ‘normal’. However, I need to give myself some peace. Yes, as an introvert, I love spending more time at home, but no, I don’t want that my home feels like the only safe place I can be. I guess I need more time to figure this out. However, I’m curious to know what are your thoughts on this. How have you been feeling lately?

I'm 24, I've got freckles (you get it now) and I'm a grumpy French, sometimes, who writes in English. I love books, cats, le barbu, pizzas and Dicaprio.

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EVA MARIE
Rennes, France

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